So
I head into the ER Monday night, trying to play as cool as one possibly
can when she's checking herself in for emergency cardiac surgery. I'm
told I will be watched closely over night in the ICU, and will head to
the OR at 6am to have a pericardial window procedure. The surgeon will
cut open part of the pericardium (the sac around my heart) and allow the
fluid to drain through a chest tube, which will hang out of me for
several surreal days.
Now as an extra bonus, my ER x-ray shows that
nearly 3/4s of my right lung is also surrounded by fluid. Thus, the
surgeon recommends that after the pericardial window procedure, I would
also need to undergo thoracentesis--a procedure which drains the fluid
from the space between the lung and the chest wall through a catheter
inserted into the patient's back. Oh, AND I still needed that PICC line
installed again. Basically, I had four long days of mutilation ahead
of me.
In moments like this one, I really start to
question the purpose of my human existence. We are souls that incarnate
into this physical realm to express and experience. But it's sort of
bogus, right? Sometimes I feel like my poor little etheric body is
like, "I hate it here, just let me die already." And I'm all like, "No!
Society tells me I have to fight to stay alive and live life and
maintain relationships and shit!"
When I came out of
surgery on Tuesday morning, it was the closest I have ever felt to the
threshold. I felt so much pain that I wished I had just died during
surgery. I heard the nurses calling my family in and I just kept
moaning, "No no no no no." You know how cats crawl under the porch to
die, so they can be alone? I needed a porch. I wanted to be
alone so I could just give up.
I spent Tuesday draining
Kool-Aid out of my heart sac, and Wednesday I had the pleasure of
getting my lung juiced. Here is a visual aid:
Before After
They
literally drained almost 1.5 liters of fluid from my right lung. When
they weighed me that night, I was 5 lbs lighter than the day before. That's soda a lot. I
felt like I had been hit by a truck, but I could breathe again!
Tonight I am happily
at home with my dudes, my cats and my own pillow. The doctors are
giving me the weekend to recuperate and allow my wounds to heal before
starting chemo on Monday. Last week at this time, chemo was the big scary thing on the horizon. Tonight, it feels like anticipating a visit to the day spa.
<3 we love you!
ReplyDeleteGlad you got to recuperate to home! Hope you're feeling better <3 <3
ReplyDeleteThat's soda a lot...girl are you coming after me for pun master over there? I just had such a big eye roll even I can't believe it ❤
ReplyDelete