12/28 In 28 minutes it will be Thursday but here is the seal for Wednesday. I'm up itching and sweating. Today I began the 3rd medication prescribed to me by my oncologist for itching, but nothing seems to help. This is by far the worst sensation I have ever felt. And the sweating only adds to the fun. Tonight I began to dose off after a particularly unbearable evening of prickles, when suddenly the itching woke me wide awake and I began to really get a sense that I am dying. This can't be the way one feels when they have many years left to live. I certainly can't live this way for much longer. And I can't imagine this is an early stage of cancer. My breath is short, my muscles are diminishing, I cough as if I'm barking with pneumonia again, and the itch and sweats keep me from wanting to go out in public. I feel I must really start getting my things in order. After tomorrow's PET scan and today's CT scan, I'm sure they will tell me I have stage 4. I feel, more than ever, if it is so late, I will be obliged to say no to chemotherapy. Actually, I feel obliged to say no to that anyway. This is certainly beginning to feel like my destiny. I can accept it, but I really worry whether everyone else can. Upon my death, I would like a celebration to be held in which everyone eats a donut in my honor. I also demand that they play Refused's "Rather Be Dead".1/14/17 (actually 1/15 at 12:18am)
I haven't slept since last Saturday evening. How am I awake? How am I alive? Am I developing super human powers because I am close to the threshold? Am I a monk? Since I last wrote, I saw my (former) oncologist, who told me my cancer is either stage 2B or 4 (if only I had done the bone marrow biopsy like he told me to) and that if I didn't do chemo I was stupid and I'd die a horrible death. All of which may be quite true, but were not very tastefully articulated. Thus, I shant be giving him my money any longer.Friday was last day at school for awhile while Emily subs. I am fading fast, but don't want to leave the page without expressing how infinitely grateful I am for her and the divine presence she has in my life.
And the children! And their hugs and their sweet cards and their funny little messages: M and his lingering after school. J & T's tight squeezes. All the parents and their meals & jammies and grocery cards and gas cards. My colleagues and their incredibly love, MD especially. I just. I love. I love and I love.
And thank you for my friends far and wide and the amazing men that care for me at home on a daily basis. And aunt who worries. I love and I love. So much.
