Shit I Ban You From Saying to Me

Within the next 10 days, I will reluctantly begin chemotherapy for Hodgkin's Disease.  I am told that within 2-3 weeks of treatment, I will begin to lose my hair.  I'll need to shave it off before then so it doesn't start "falling into my food" or put me in other embarrassing scenarios referenced by my oncologist.  Gross.

Today Dr. Jeffreys told me that without chemo, I'd have a few months to live.  There is some insane part of me that would almost rather clutch to my ginger-fringe identity than save my own life.  Because who the hell am I if I'm not this image I have spent so long crafting?  Who am I if I'm some bald, withered vessel pumped with poison?  Some of you would like to remind me of all my other remarkable assets, for which I am very grateful.  But I also need the space to absolutely hate this shit. 

So here is a list of shit I ban you from saying to me:

• Bald is beautiful. (See custody-battle era Britney if you don't believe this statement is complete bullshit). 
• You'll look so punk rock.
• I have an attic full of turbans for you.  

• It'll grow back.
• You have a tattoo, so you'll look cool with a shaved head.  
• Think of all the fun scarves you can wear!
• Now you'll look like my baby. #twinning
• This is temporary.  
• You'll be even prettier without hair.  
• Dan is gonna love rubbing on that bald head. (Ew.)
• Just buy one of those hats with rastafarian dreads attached. 😑
• It's only hair.

Alternately, just tell me that you love me :)

Mekka lekka hi, mekka hiney ho!

An Honest Post from the Pits of Despair

Yesterday I met with a new oncologist, Dr. Sana Jeffreys, who works out of Aurora Cancer Care in Kenosha.  I found her sort of by magic after oncologist #1 threw me into a fit of rage and made me swear off Western medicine FOREVER.  Dr. Jeffreys gave me a tiny inkling of faith that not all allopathic doctors are messengers of Satan. 

During the time that I had been seeing the first oncologist, Dr. Treisman, I began taking a number of homeopathic remedies prescribed by my primary care doctor, Dr. Kamsler.  My rebel hippie heart had hoped that these remedies would work fast enough that my CT and PET scans would come back miraculously void of cancer.  I had been reading about the evils of chemotherapy and radiation, and had decided I would not be taking part in that toxic scam.  When Dr. Treisman called me "stupid" for asking if he could recommend an alternative to chemo, it empowered me all the more to throw my fist in the air and say, "fuck the system".  I came home that day and jumped on my trampoline for an hour with Refused's Rather Be Dead blasting from my speakers:

Rather be dead than alive by your social values

Rather be dead than alive by your tradition

Unfortunately, this actual feeling of death and mortality has been looming heavily over me lately.  When I was still teaching, it was easy to ignore a lot of the physical pain and discomfort I felt on a regular basis.  No time to cry when you've got three boys wrestling in the back of the room and Ana's got BabyBel cheese wax stuck in her hair.  But now that I've stepped away from my job, reality has set in that I have a massive lump swelling out of my chest.  I'm short of breath and veins bulge out of my neck and ribcage where they shouldn't be.  I have night (and day) sweats so bad that I sleep on towels and change costume multiple times a day.  And perhaps the very worst thing is that I itch--head to toe, inside and out, nonstop, all day, everyday--so that I cannot get even a moment of sound sleep.  

Yesterday I had to admit that I don't have time for my alternative dreams to work.  Hodgkin's Lymphoma is curable with chemotherapy, but if I choose not to do it, I won't have a long life ahead.  Anyone who knows how deeply melancholic I am can attest to my casual attitude toward death.  But I don't want to die a sweaty, itchy mess.  I don't wanna die with body builder veins protruding from neck.  I wanna die with my fucking fist in the air.  I wanna die in an apocalypse hurricane.  I wanna die from spontaneous combustion.

So I'm not ready to say it yet...but I'll do the thing.

The wishes of the soul are springing
The deeds of the will are thriving
The fruits of life are maturing

I feel my destiny
My destiny finds me
I feel my star
My star finds me
I feel my goals in life
My goals in life are finding me
My soul and the great world are one

Life grows more radiant about me
Life grows more challenging for me
Life grows more abundant within me.

Rudolf Steiner

My Current Treatment

I know everybody's big concern is that I'm DOING something.  Of course I'm doing something.  Here is what I am currently doing:

jumping on a mini trampoline || listening to a lot of Refused || watching cat videos || doing eurythmy || stretching || avoiding sugar || reading lots of books on cancer || hanging out in the infared sauna || journaling || drawing pictures || getting massages || avoiding The Donald and all other news and media bullshit || cuddling Fry and Leelu || making CBD Italian sodas || taking a cabinet-full of tinctures, globules and capsules 3x per day || dreaming of seeing Patti Smith in March || chomping on celery || plotting a revolution || injecting helleborous and iscador into my belly || planning trip to Mexico || calling all my besties || watching cartoons || meditating || fighting the patriarchy || singing || crafting || getting crystal chakra baths || drinking matcha ||

Every single one of these things is renowned for its cancer-fighting ability!  I'm fine, guys.

An Introduction to All My Doctors

Dr. Kamsler, Primary Physician- Dr. Kamsler is an Anthroposophical MD, who works closely with the Waldorf schools in our area. Anthroposophical Medicine is a form of alternative medicine developed by Rudolf Steiner, who also developed Waldorf education. Anthroposophy is a scientific and philosophical world view that connects the spiritual within the human being to the spiritual in nature, the world and the cosmos. I began to see Dr. Kamsler in early October, when my itching became so bad that it was affecting my work. He facilitated all the tests leading up to my diagnosis of lymphoma in November. I continue to work with him on a weekly basis, as he advises me on a number of holistic therapies and homeopathic remedies. He is the definition of what a doctor should be. He is the doctor that everyone deserves.  

Dr. Treisman, Oncologist #1- Dr. Treisman was an oncologist who came recommended to Dr. Kamsler through someone he knew. He ordered a biopsy in early December, which confirmed that the lymphoma was indeed Hodgkin's lymphoma. From there, Treisman ordered several scans, which revealed that the lymphoma was spread through my chest on both sides, and that I had fluid surrounding my lung on the right side. Luckily, there were no cancerous lymph nodes found below my diaphragm, suggesting that the cancer is in Stage II. Based on the scans, it did not seem evident that the cancer is in my bone marrow. There are many things I could say about my experience with Treisman, but I simply don't have the mental energy to relive all the instances in which he was a total dickbag. Suffice it to say, one should never tell Danielle Lynne what she is going to do with her own body. I have a real big bone to pick with Western medicine (and a few to break).  

Dr. Jeffreys, Oncologist #2-- Dr. Jeffreys came recommended to me by a friend of my father, who goes to her for treatment of his leukemia. I have been told she is open to alternative medicine in support of, or in place of chemotherapy. If nothing else, she said she is willing to have a conversation with me, which is more than I can say for Treisman. I will meet with her on Wednesday, 1/18.

The Evil Itch

If you have an evil itch that won't let you sleep for up to 7 days in a row, your dermatologist might tell you to stop washing with soap. But now you will smell and itch. That is not supportive of friend-making. I'm just saying, you might actually have lymphoma.